


blue

by waveydnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 15:43:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12135681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: sometimes dan gets sad





	blue

He knows right away. He can feel it the moment he opens his eyes-- it’s going to be one of those days. He lowers his eyelids again and digs his head further into the pillow, pulling the soft grey sheets tighter around his shoulder. Maybe he can just stay here and sleep it off and he won’t have to feel it today. Maybe it’ll go away.

But really, he knows it won’t. That’s not how it works. The heaviness settles in his chest, dragging him down into the mattress, dulling the late summer sunlight that filters in through the curtained window. Phil stirs beside him. He lifts his head and looks at the clock. It’s hardly morning anymore, already later than they’d planned on sleeping today. They need to get their schedule back on track, after all.

Phil is better at this stuff. He yawns, stretches, reaches out and ruffles Dan’s fluffy curls. “We need to get up.”

Dan keeps his face hidden as he nods. This is going to be the day he hides it. This is going to be the time he doesn’t drag Phil down. “Need another minute.”

Dan feels the bed shift as Phil gets up and heads for the bathroom. He pulls the covers up over his head and takes a few deep breaths. He can do it, it’s fine. There isn’t even anything wrong. He’s just tired, maybe. A shower and a coffee will surely be enough.

It’s not. He hadn’t really thought it would be but he always has to try. He always has to try because he can’t get anything done like this, can’t edit a stupid fucking gaming video or make a dumb-ass joke tweet or politely answer emails when all he wants to do is forget who he is and how he feels and what it does to Phil to see him this way.

He drains two mugs quickly, much more quickly than he normally would. Phil holds out a cereal bowl for him. He shakes his head. “Not hungry, thanks.”

Phil frowns. “You ok?”

Dan’s smile is clipped. It’s the best he can do. “Mhm.” He always tries. Never succeeds.

Phil reaches out and lays his palm against Dan’s back, right in between his shoulder blades. He doesn’t say anything.

Fuck, Dan thinks. He’d only lasted fifteen minutes before revealing himself. That might even be a new record.

“Wanna talk?” Phil’s voice is soft and deep and kind and always so bloody understanding it almost makes Dan feel worse. 

His throat tightens. He feels the heat behind his eyes and knows he can’t be around Phil right now. He doesn’t want to talk because that means he’ll cry and he really has nothing to say anyway. There is nothing he can say besides,  _ I just feel sad today. _ He gives his head a curt shake. “M’ok.”

Phil doesn’t have days like this. Phil feels happy when things are good and sad when things are hard. He gets anxious sometimes. He gets mad sometimes--more often than Dan does, actually. But he feels things when it makes sense to feel them. And Dan doesn’t.

Not always, anyway. 

He knows Phil gets it. He knows Phil doesn’t understand the feeling, but they’ve been sharing their life long enough now, living in each other’s space and feeling each other’s emotions long enough that Phil knows what it means when Dan’s lips absolutely cannot turn themselves up into a smile. He’ll always ask if Dan wants to talk and he’ll never argue when Dan says no.

He’ll look the other way when Dan slips back to their bed to bury his head in the pillow and release hot tears into the soft grey fabric. He’ll wait an hour, maybe two before he opens the door, climbs into the bed with a glass of water and a laptop. He’ll kiss Dan’s head and hand him the water and sit beside him and edit that stupid fucking video or answer those monotonous emails while Dan lies next to him. Phil won’t touch him, won’t cuddle him or rub his back until Dan reaches out for him. Dan needs that. He needs Phil’s steadiness, his quiet strength to remind that tomorrow, things will be normal and good and his food will have taste and the sun will have warmth and his heart will burst again with the love he has for this man and their life together.

But not today. Today he’s sad.


End file.
